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Excerpted with permission from The Urban Herbalist,
a newsletter of self-help healthcare, herbal healing, and sexual
adventure. The HAGS are resting right now, and are not currently
publishing new issues. For information about back issues, either
send email to WiseWomb@aol.com, or send SASE to The Urban Herbalist,
P.O.Box 974, Canal Street Station, New York, NY 10013.
Disclaimer: In accordance with FDA regulation, none of the information contained
in this text in intended to be used for diagnostic or treatment purposes.
Use at your own risk.
PART I: Vaginal Anatomy - "Get
to Know Your Pussy!
THE VAGINA is
a closed tube. If there is not a tampon, dick, dildo, finger or
other object inside it, the muscular walls of the tube are collapsed
and touching one another. Compare it to an airless balloon. When
you stick your fingers in, the walls may vary from very dry to
very wet. This all depends on where you are in life and where you
are in your menstrual cycle. Get to know this Gooky Goo. It's completely
natural and an intimate relationship with your own vaginal secretions
means fewer venereal disease freak-outs and better knowledge of
the patterns of your cycles.
THE CERVIX is
that little knob at the end of the vaginal tunnel. It is the lower
tip of your uterus (where your monthly bloods come from). To the
touch it could fell like the end of a nose or, if you've had a
baby, more like a chin. If you're having trouble feeling it, push
like you're taking a shit or bring your knees closer to your chest.
The small depression or indented ridge-like hole in the middle
of the cervix is called THE OS; it's the doorway to your cervical
canal which is about 1 inch long and lined with tiny mucus-secreting
glands; lots of that lovely pussy goo comes from here. The cervical
canal is also the hallway to your uterus. No tampon, finger, or
penis can pass up through the os, but it can expand for a baby
to come out. Pretty fucking cool, huh? Too bad lots of women have
died very painfully and for no reason because some idiot thought
they could stick a wire hanger up there for an illegal abortion.
PART II: USING A SPECULUM TO SEE
YOUR CERVIX
Before beginning this adventure, you'll ned
to get a speculum, a flashlight, a hand-held mirror, and possibly
some lube. YOUR SPECULUM is
for you and you alone. Wash it after every use with an antiseptic
soap or a very weak bleach mix, and when you're not using it keep
it in a clean plastic bag. If you do not share it, you do not need
to worry about getting any weird diseases from putting it inside
you. Check out how it works before sticking it in your cunt. Practice
opening and closing it a few times. To open, push the handles together
and press down with your thumb. It;s al lot easier to do outside
your pussy than inside. Most importantly, relax. Putting a speculum
in at first can be difficult and frustrating. Remember the first
time you had to use a tampon? Or the first time a sponge, diaphragm,
etc. got stuck in there? Practice makes it easier. Also, speculums
are designed for doctors to use on you; no one's designed one for
women to use on themselves (evil gynos worry that they won't get
so much cash out of us). If putting it in hurts too much, then
spend more time exploring your external anatomy and fingering yourself
before trying again -- especially if you are not used to staring
at, playing with, or shoving things up your pussy. Be gentle with
yourself, don't force it. If you have penises and/or dildos inside
of you regularly, your vagina is probably stretched enough to start
out with a medium-sized speculum. Otherwise, start with a small
one.
HOW TO INSERT A SPECULUM
1. Lie down, prop your back up with pillows
and spread those luscious legs.
2. Insert the speculum into your body with the duckbill closed, handles separate,
and loose. I find it more comfortable to insert mine sideways and turn it.
If you don't have too many natural juices going on, putting a little KY jelly
on the duckbill might help, but don't goop it on so thick your can't see
which juice is you and which is the lube!
3. Once you stick it in, clasp the handles together to open the duckbill
and separate the walls of the cunt. To open it wider and lock it in the open
position, press down with your thumbs until it clicks no more and is all
the way open.
PART III: MEET YOUR CERVIX!
So you've gotten it in and gotten it open. Shining
the flashlight into the mirror will give you a view of the inside
of your pussy. If you can't see your cervix, bear down like you're
taking a shit -- check also to make sure the speculum is open to
the widest position. If you have a long vagina you might want to
try just before or after your period (when the cervix is at its
most visible in the vaginal cavity). Or try on the lightest day
of your blood flow when it's easy to see the blood coming out of
the cervical os. If your vagina is very fleshy, and pads of fat
are bulging around the blades of the speculum, try a larger size,
or inserting the speculum sideways. So now you check out your insides...
groovy. Look at the colors and textures. If you are pregnant, your
cervix (as well as the walls of your cunt) might be a little blue
to bright blue; in older women it might be pale pink. Repeat self-exams
will cue you into the natural condition of your own. And don't
be ashamed by the amount of mucus!!! It's natural and unless the
goo is accompanied by weird smells or itching, don't worry about
it.
Excerpted with permission from The Urban Herbalist, WHAM!'s newsletter of
self-help healthcare, herbal healing, and sexual adventure. For information
about back issues, send SASE to The Urban Herbalist, P.O. Box 974, Canal
St. Station, New York, NY 10013.
Looking for a speculum? You can
buy one at www.medicaltoys.com!
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